Tw: suicide 

Today was the worst day I’ve had in a while. Not circumstantially but mentally. I’m ok and stable now. But I just wanted to reflect. 

This morning, I contemplated ending my life. Not because of anything anyone did. Not because of circumstances. But because I got tired of the war inside my heart and head. 

I wanted to write a note. I even started one. I didn’t even get a full sentence in. In truth, I don’t know what stopped me besides pure exhaustion. Not feeling like explaining everything I was going thru. Then my grandmother opened her bedroom door and I realized that I couldn’t do that to her. 

That brings me to my main point about suicide that I want people who have those thoughts and feelings to know – there is never a right time to attempt or complete suicide. 

I wanted to end my life because I felt like my internal conflict was bleeding onto everyone around me. I felt like a burden. I felt like I couldn’t be who everyone needed. But those same people who I feel like a burden to would be the ones who would be hurt the most. 

My grandmother would bare the most if it. When she opened her door, I realized she would be the one to find me. How could I do that to her? And my family and friends who have worked so endlessly to make sure I know I’m not alone. What happens when I’m gone and they question did they do enough. How is that fair to them. A certain family member who I won’t name but who I’ve been clashing with who may wonder well what if things were different between us. All my shame and guilt would go to them. And then, what about all those kids and clients I’ve given hope to. They’d start to think that hope was false. That they were lied to. When in reality those people are beautiful and have bright futures. 

All my pain, my internal struggles, my confusion, I may not be here to experience them anymore, but it would just pass to someone else. Because in all honesty, just like the laws of energy, I don’t think pain goes away or is created either, I think it gets transferred – We either take it out on someone else, hurting them. Or it feels less heavy because someone, sometimes even just God, helps us carry it. 

I say there is never a right time because there’s not. You can do all the preparing. We’re trained to look for signs like suddenly being happy or getting rid of property. But despite that preparing, nothing can prepare the people around you for the pain they will feel without you. That’s not to cause shame or guilt. I don’t believe in calling people selfish for attempting or completing suicide because most of the time, you’re in so much pain that you think you are actually being selfless. But that is to point out that despite how you feel, people do care. And despite how you feel, it would hurt people for you to be gone. 

This post isn’t for sympathy. I just want to say that if you question whether the world is better off without you, it’s not. Even if you don’t have any close friends and family, there’s someone out there who would be negatively affected if you were gone. Someone out there loves and remembers you because you were kind. Maybe all you did was smile at them or compliment them and you made their day and life better. (I still remember people from my Subway days that have had this impact on me).

Please. Hold on. And if you ever feel yourself contemplating suicide, please get some help. There is someone out there who will listen. Even if it is a hotline or something. Just talk to someone and know that the tables can turn for the better rather quickly