Yesterday I gave a presentation about mental health and was recognized in a local paper. You can find that article here 

I won’t toot my own horn anymore than I already have 😀 but I will say it was an amazing day. But what I want to focus on was the struggle that came before and how God showed up during. 

When I was asked to do the speech, frankly, I didn’t want to. Well. That’s not entirely true. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I was just in a bad mood the day I was asked, thinking “why am I adding another thing to my plate.” But the people that were asking me to do it have given to our community a lot. And the person that directly asked me has poured into me a lot. So I said yes. 

Fast forward to the past weekend – Mother’s Day weekend. Most of my followers know I lost my mom a few years ago. Ever since then, well, you know, Mothers Day is hard. I cried all day Saturday. Sunday was rough too. But there’s more, and this is the important part. 

Most of last week, I was in a hypomanic episode but didn’t realize it until it was too late. That is, I didn’t realize it until I made an impulsive decision and back slid with my celibacy journey, a journey I had been going strong on since October of last year. I had made it over 6 months and was looking forward to eventually reaching a year…And then I failed myself. 

Of course, once I came out of the hypomanic episode, I was filled was regret. And honestly, I still am. But it’s forced me to reflect on my journey with celibacy and healing from sexual trauma in general. It forced me to be honest with myself. 

I blame a lot of my decisions, especially when it comes to sex and impulsive behaviors, on my bipolar disorder. And that’s not a lie. A lot of it does stem from that. But I reflected on when it started. The truth is, I’ve struggled with these things since the first time I was molested as a child. Maybe the struggle looked a little different then because I was still a child. But the constant thoughts, the impulsive behaviors, the obsession with sex and sexuality, well that’s when it started and I’m still healing from it.

I’ve come a long way since then. But I’ve also been in denial. I’ve talked and made posts about my struggles with God, my confusion about sex, religion, and how they go together. But as I was being honest with myself, I realized that a lot of my confusion stemmed from trying to reconcile sin and God – from wanting what God says to match with my feelings and behaviors. It was easier for me to deny what God says than to admit that I was struggling. I was raised to think that Christian women didn’t struggle with those things, and if we did, we didn’t talk about it. Basically, I was ashamed. 

After coming to that realization, I honestly feel less confused. However, I know it’s not the end of the story either. I still have a lot of healing to do. A lot of work to do. But being honest with myself did give me the courage to open up to a couple of friends about my struggles. I was terrified of judgement. Everyone thinks so highly of me and I didn’t want that to change. Instead, I was met with grace and mercy.  

I know that was a lot and didn’t seem connected to what I originally said. But it is. It’s connected because in the midst of that shame, I wanted to back out of my presentation. I wanted to hide and wallow in the pain and sadness. But God gave me the strength to still show up and I’m so glad He did. Because in doing that presentation despite the depression and shame, I found strength and I found my voice. And the best part, I did it without having to sleep with anyone, without having to over-sexualize

myself, without any of the learned behaviors I struggled with. It was just God, me, and my friends and family. That was all I needed. 

Like I said. Doing that wasn’t the end of the story. Admitting that I have a problem with sex was like ripping the bandaid off. I realize that eventually this high I’m on will come down and I will have to face the trauma and pain that led to those behaviors. But in speaking out about mental health, I found my voice. I found a way to use my story and struggles for good. And I know that my current struggles are just another part of that amazing testimony.