Hey y’all! I haven’t posted in a while. Honestly, I’ve had a lot to say but also nothing at all (if that makes any sense).

If I’m being completely honest, my thoughts when it comes to my healing journey as well as my spiritual journey (they’re kind of one in the same at this point) have been all over the place. That makes it kind of hard for me to know exactly what to write. But I thought I’d try to give a quick update.

I’ve seen a lot of TikToks lately about the deconstruction of faith. The thing is, though, most of what I’ve seen talks about how people go from being a strict evangelical Christian to being an atheist. I’m not there, nor do I want to be there. However, I am at a point of picking apart my beliefs. I’m at a point of asking the hard questions that I’ve always tried to push to the back of my mind. And really, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think part of my and a lot of other people’s “journey to Jesus” is asking questions. While I think having faith may sometimes be believing in things you don’t 100% understand, I don’t think it always means following blindly. For me, though, I am choosing to turn to God with these questions. I am choosing to study deeper into what Jesus said versus constantly turning to man and blindly following what they tell me.

Used to, when I would have doubts about my faith, I would want to give up on it completely. Just throw in the towel. Again, I’m not at that place anymore. I am learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Learning that I don’t have to have all the answers right now (or ever). I am working on not only deconstructing things that I have believed my whole life blindly, but also reconstructing my faith in the way that I believe God would want. I am choosing to focus on Christ’s love and light for now.

For me, this is a little scary. I worry about where this will lead me in my faith. But I’m trusting God with that. I also worry about losing my sense of community and family if I stop believing so conservatively, but I am okay with that as well. My goal right now is simply to love God and love people the way Jesus commanded, and I genuinely believe that as long as I keep studying His word and praying the way I have been, God will lead me.

I do ask for prayers, though, as everything feels kind of uncertain. Keep me lifted, y’all!